Time

/ Pelagia Pais /
Time

I seem to be missing time at the moment. Like there isn’t enough of it. Like I keep filling it with things that I’m not sure I am supposed to do. Like I have no purpose with my time. Like my time does not belong to me.

I’m sure this is a very relatable feeling. As I’m hitting the keyboard with these words, an idea starts building in my head that maybe the reason why I feel like my time does not belong to me, is exactly because it doesn’t. Because I am filling that time with things I don’t want to do but force myself to do because I feel I ‘need’ to do them.

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She held me in her arms

/ Pelagia Pais/
She held me in her arms

She beckoned me to her, showed me how my body could easily lean into her and inspired a poem. 

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'What about me?' The Before - part I

/ Pelagia Pais/
'What about me?' The Before - part I

‘What about me?’ This question popped into my mind several times in my life.

I am giver. I spent a lifetime giving my love, attention, energy, to work and people. I gave, again and again, and there would be times, when I would somehow stop and ask myself: ‘What about me?’

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This is the first part of a two part post. A before and after account of what has changed in me. How I became aware of the many aspects of being me and what it means in practice to become aware, the transformation and the benefits.

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My energy, my mood and the Moon

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My energy, my mood and the Moon

This post will be a mixture of the ‘Books that changed my life’ posts I have shared on my social media (check Instagram or Facebook) and a longer reflection on this subject and my experience.

I read ‘Code Red: Know your flow, unlock your monthly super powers and create a bloody amazing life. Period’ by Lisa Lister back in 2017. I don’t quite remember how the book came to me but when I read it, it changed my view of my menstrual cycle quite dramatically. What I once saw as a painful and uncomfortable monthly nuisance, I could now see as something different. I could see that by understanding my cycle I could understand myself better. My moods, my energy and how to harness this knowing into making time to honour the different stages of the cycle.

As I read the book, for the first time in my life, I actually had the time and disposition to observe my body better and try and identify all the phases of my menstrual cycle. As time went on, I started getting confused and then frustrated, because my cycle seemed to not conform to the descriptions in the book.

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From Noticing to Change

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From Noticing to Change

Some months, on the first day of my period, just like today, all I feel like doing is this:

Recline

Read a book

Watch something light on TV

Knit

Listen to an audiobook

Nap

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Remembering Trauma - my story

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Remembering Trauma - my story

The following text is a post on my experience of remembering trauma and I share something that feels very sensitive. The path for me to actually press the publish button, has felt long and painful. The more I felt the push to publish, the more fears came up, the fear is still here, right now, as I write, and I am still going to press the publish button.

The push eventually subsided and now I have a sense that these words need to be said so that I can carry on exploring my authentic self in all it’s colours, variations and emotions. It feels like I can no longer write about anything without sharing this first.

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Agony

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Agony

At the beginning of the year I spent a couple of months back in Portugal, where I come from. During that time a lot happened. It was intense and there has been a memory from the past, that keeps wanting to be released and shared here. During this particular time in Portugal, this desire to share that story was intensified, to a point where it felt suffocating not to and there was an intense urgency for doing it. Eventually the urgency disappeared and now I am just waiting for a time that feels right, inside of me.

I wrote something about that memory. I will be sharing it soon. For now, I want to share a poem I wrote about how that agony felt inside of me then and in a much lower intensity, is still felt now.

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Old me, new me – deep in the process of transformation

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Old me, new me – deep in the process of transformation

I have been quiet for what feels like a very long time. This morning, a friend encouraged me to share this part of my process even though I feel a little bit stuck and slightly uncomfortable. There is a lot to share from the last month and a half but I don’t feel ready to share everything just now. All in due time.

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I walk in beauty

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I walk in beauty

I was walking back from the seaside, noticing how light and relaxed my body felt when suddenly this line came to my head: ‘I walk in beauty’. It made so much sense and that sentence fitted perfectly with how I felt in that moment.

I felt beautiful because I could sense my body walking following its natural relaxed movement, I felt super soft inside, my legs had a relaxed certainty about them, my arms were dangling in what felt like the perfect movement, I was standing tall without any conscious effort, I had a smile on my face and I felt beautiful.

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Coming up for air

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Coming up for air

Since about October last year, I have been feeling that something deep and big is coming up to the surface within me. It is very unpleasant. I have possibly been running away from confronting this thing and it seems that the time feels right now.

The last few weeks, I have felt like I have been stuck in a dark place where the feelings of rejection, being a fraud and intense fear have surrounded me every day. It has been very scary and overwhelming. Affecting the energy in my body, meaning that I have mostly felt depleted and like I have been running on empty.

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Back to work feeling

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Back to work feeling

I still remember what it felt like to return to work after only finally getting used to being off during the Christmas and New Year break. I also remember how in 2015 in particular, returning to work felt worst than ever. In the previous months I had been meeting and socialising with quite a few people who worked for themselves and did not have a particular fixed daily schedule. I remember really wanting this for me too. To be my own boss and have the flexibility to choose what I did with each day.

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Season Greetings

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Season Greetings

I had prepared a nice graphic with the 'normal' and expected Merry Christmas and Happy New Year message and was about to write something but nothing felt honest and authentic within me. So here is what came up…

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He - Masculine | She - Feminine

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He - Masculine | She - Feminine

The first two chapters of this story were inspired by a dream a friend of mine shared with me. The dream had a specific meaning for her. When I heard it I heard something else and all of a sudden this story started to unfold in my head.

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Peeling layers

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Peeling layers

Making public my theory or sensing on subjects like the one on my last post, is quite the nerve wrecking experience. I notice that I have been shying away from publishing anything like this, unless it comes from a very particular personal experience.

I have a fear of saying something controversial. I have a fear of saying something wrong. I have a fear of being judged as fluffy and without depth. I have a fear of people attacking my view. I have a fear of confrontation online and in person.

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A Message: This is a time...

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A Message: This is a time...

I have been sensing this message for quite some time but only today I felt called to put it down on paper as well as make it public. Hoping it resonates and inspires you to go deeper within yourself as well as have a different experience when listening or sharing stories.

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Journeying within and writing

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Journeying within and writing

I feel that this has been coming together for some time. Back in July, I received a clear message that I must write more, that I must share my ‘voice’.

I started writing more social media posts, exploring expressing myself and what I was experiencing with the written word.

The message to write and share my ‘voice’ continued to show up in many ways in the months after. I carried on writing.

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Sadness

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Sadness

A poem I wrote on Sadness.
I was sitting on the sofa. The word sadness jumped into my awareness. I knew I had to do something with it. I delayed taking any action for a little while, seeking a distraction, yet I knew that the word was still there, patiently waiting for me to grab some pen and paper. Finally I do and this is what comes out…

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Inspired by

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Inspired by

In this short post, I share a series of podcasts that have been filling my cup recently. I wanted you to also have access to them in the hope they may come to you in the same way they came to me and bring you what they are bringing me.

Who is inspiring you at the moment?

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Invitation to Shine

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Invitation to Shine

Out of a very personal experience, I compiled a short playlist which I want to share. Hoping that you find the time in your life to allow yourself to travel within you through the sound of music and connect deeply with yourself.

Time for some self-care and self-healing.

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My Experience: Vipassana Meditation 10 Silent Retreat

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My Experience: Vipassana Meditation 10 Silent Retreat

At the beginning of November I attended a Vipassana Meditation 10 day Silent Retreat. I have made a video where I share about my experience. Hope you enjoy it!

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