In Between Worlds
/I feel like I am in between two worlds. In a sort of threshold. Where the way I used to be is coming apart. It feels like all the ‘lies’ are coming loose.
Like they were part of my skin, seamless and I could not tell the difference, did not know there was a difference, for many many years. Since then, I started seeing these parts of me that stand out because they no longer feel quite true.
I see them peeling off. Entire areas of my being, my old skin, I guess, are peeling away. They are still hanging in there. Some areas are still well blended where others are hanging by a thread.
Underneath that old skin, that old way of being, is new skin. It is incredibly sensitive and I have not gotten used to it. It also does not feel like me. Just like the old skin does not feel like me either.
Who am I when I do not feel ok with my old skin or my new skin? I am this person in between these two worlds. These two ways of being.
Recently I have been feeling disconnected. I feel it more with my business.
I am currently working part-time from home. That type of work feels quite familiar. I could easily get lost in it and go full time. But I know that is not what I am meant to do.
When I think about my business, about being a Self Empowerment Coach, it just does not feel right any more. I still feel connected to the word Intuitive and have been missing calling myself a Healer. But Intuitive feels super normal, like it’s nothing special any more. That we are all Intuitive, some of us use it and practice it more and others ignore it altogether, or call it something else. It’s not that what I call myself and my business has to be special, I notice that I used the word just now. It has to be special to me. It has to ring true to who I am. As for Healer, it is only a part of who I am, I do not see myself defined by this word either.
Am I trying to find my business skin?
The thing is, I have been questioning everything that I do in terms of business. The questioning is not a harsh one, it’s a curious one. Because nothing feels right any more in terms of my business.
People talk about feeling in alignment. I see it somehow as the stacking of our vertebrae on our back. If one of them is not in the right place, we feel it everywhere. I sense what alignment feels like, and I do not feel aligned. I just feel uncomfortable. Like I need to shift all the time in order to find comfort, but never seem to find it.
In contrast with this, I feel a strength and inner knowing that feel quite powerful and I call them, my truths. I see and feel them within me, so much better. I see them lurking behind the lies I still tell myself.
When I say, maybe I’m not a healer any more. This is often followed by a simple statement: you are a healer.
Maybe I can’t coach people / You are an excellent coach, and much more.
I can’t trust my intuition / Your intuition is spot on.
Maybe I feel too much / Your capacity of feeling is a wonderful gift to the world.
I am not strong enough / You are strong.
I’m so tired all the time, how am I supposed to be able to help others? / You are getting ready, your time will come, you will know when you are ready, allow yourself to rest.
I have been so eager, for so long to feel like I am making a difference in the world. Most importantly, I would love to make a difference in the world doing what I love and using all these gifts I have within me.
Patience is not my forte. It has lead me to many many meltdowns.
I know, that right now is still not time to take action. I understand that I must do whatever I am feeling to do at the moment, I must give myself permission.
And continue to connect to trust. Trusting that my time will indeed come. That I am more than ready and that things will just fall into place, in the right moment and at the right time.
My true self is emerging. Its voice is getting stronger every day. I am able to see more clearly between the old and the new. The truth and the lies about who I truly am.
It is another period of transition. Of transformation. Of moving from one way of being to another. A more authentic one. A more powerful one. The truth of who I am.
But for now, I’m in between worlds. Sitting in the discomfort. Waiting. Resting. Getting ready for when my time comes.
With love,
Pelagia
Pelagia Pais is still figuring out what to call herself and her offer to the world. She is an Intuitive, a Coach, a Healer, a Writer, an Artist and so much more of what lies in between. For now you can read more of what she experiences and shares in her blog ‘It’s not all happiness and coconuts’ (www.pelagiapais.com/blog).
If you are looking for a morning routine to help you ground your energy in yourself, be more present and start the day feeling calm and centred, check her Morning Star Practice - A Standing Guided Meditation here: www.pelagiapais.com/shop. The practice is available in different prices that suit all pockets and is a form of contributing to her work and continued offerings.