Adrift
/On business and trauma
One of the things that has kept me going in the last few years, is this unshakeable knowing that I have something to contribute to the world.
There has been a virtual stone on my virtual shoe, which is the fact that I still do not know exactly how I am to do this. That’s right. I am currently feeling as lost as I was three or four years ago, when my life was turned upside down.
I have many passions and interests. I love talking over a range of things, as deep as any one is willing to go with me. Yet, I am not an expert in any of those. In a world of entrepreneurs where ‘finding your niche’ is essential, I have felt completely lost many, many times. Like a boat in the middle of a vast ocean not knowing which direction to take. I have felt adrift.
Over these last years, I have often followed others who seemed to have it all worked out, in the hope that whatever worked for them would work for me. I have learnt loads, I have been inspired a gazillion times. I have taken several different directions, and the titles of what I called myself and my business indicate this too: Reiki Practitioner, Artist, Healer, Intuitive Guide, Self-Empowerment Coach, Writer. Following and being inspired by others, has had a role in my growth, but I feel that these people have only been stepping stones into always coming back to myself. Every single path has always brought me back to myself.
I don’t often feel like I fit in. I mostly feel like an anomaly and the odd one out. Everyone is always more put together, gotten their life and business sorted out, and here I am, talking about feeling adrift, still. I feel embarrassed about this, about not knowing already. After all, how many more years until I know?
The thing is, when there is a complex past experience that brings a lot of clouds, fog, turbulence and storms in that vast ocean, I guess you can see how come it may take a bit longer.
Someone who has experienced trauma in life will always have to go through a layer of misinformation about themselves and life experience that needs to be sieved through.
This, together with my impatience to be in a future full of ease and grace (which is the spiritual equivalent of the promised land) and unwillingness to face the pain of the past, it all explains what has taken so long for me.
It will take however long I need it, of course. I have recently written a post on feeling ‘In Between Worlds’ (https://www.pelagiapais.com/blog/betweenworlds) and I explore more deeply how I have been feeling about myself and my business lately.
So, there has been nothing left for me to do but to embrace the not knowing.
I have been focusing on doing the things I enjoy doing. On following impulses and inspiration whenever they surface.
And I find myself writing.
Writing about my experience, way of seeing the world, insights and lessons I have received. I share about myself.
For a while, I have been receiving the message of offering something to the world to do with trauma. But untangling the whole knotted reaction to this is taking some time.
‘Who am I to talk about trauma?’ Is the first question that shows up. Quickly followed by: ‘but I am not an expert!’ Then comes: ‘people will be tired of me talking about trauma all the time.’ or ‘who wants to hear about sad and disturbing truths?’. ‘I am afraid that if I talk about it all the time, that I will be stuck there, in the past’. ‘I am terrified of triggering someone’s trauma, afraid they will be left to deal with it on their own’.
And as I write this right now, I see so much untruth in these fears and doubts. Why should I not talk about trauma? I feel really called to share about my process and experience in and of life. Part of that experience that still affects me in the current moment, is my experience of trauma. It has affected how I go about finding my call and what I really want to do as a business in the world. And earning money doing it! This is also important to me. Getting paid to do what I love. Still haven’t figured this one out, yet.
Trust is what both keeps me going and a constant practice.
I trust that what I write is going to be helpful to at least one person in the world.
I trust that what I share is creating ripples of change, even if I am not actually aware of these.
I trust that everything I have ever experienced in life is bringing me closer and closer into what I am meant to offer to the world.
I trust that my words are meeting the right people at the right time.
I trust that being adrift is where I am meant to be.
On the 29 June I will be giving a talk entitled ‘Trauma, Work and I’ as part of a 8 week programme called ‘The Work Experience’. Every week, from Monday, 1 June at 18.00 (UK time) there will be a lesson or talk about a different subject that will support women finding more meaningful work.
For more information on this event and speakers visit: https://www.evolving.careers/the-work-experience
You can find the facebook group where this will all be happening here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/889803441536120/.
Pelagia Pais is still figuring out what to call herself and her offer to the world. She is an Intuitive, a Coach, a Healer, a Writer, an Artist and so much more of what lies in between. For now you can read more of what she experiences and shares in her blog ‘It’s not all happiness and coconuts’ (www.pelagiapais.com/blog).
If you are looking for a morning routine to help you ground your energy in yourself, be more present and start the day feeling calm and centred, check her Morning Star Practice - A Standing Guided Meditation here: www.pelagiapais.com/shop. The practice is available in different prices that suit all pockets and is a form of contributing to her work and continued offerings.