Last week, I shared a few posts where I talked about writing a book. As I connected deeply into what book is wanting to be born through me, I started understanding, that what is being asked of me as I start to write it, is that I go deeper within myself and share from there.

The idea for this book came from an excited inspired moment this summer. So much so, that I even created a sample and you can download it for free here. The idea is/was (keeping this open) to create a book that connects to the Inner Child through colouring some of my art. It felt exciting and so right to me, at that time. There was a lot of energy for it and that is how the sample got done so quickly.

What I now know happened next, was that I might have received a thought to go deeper, got really scared and decided to just leave it to the side. I got attached to the idea of the book being about joyful shapes and the pleasure of colouring and getting in touch with your inner child.

The thing is, my inner child had a rough start of her life and I started thinking that as I encouraged others to connect to their inner children, that it might spark similar memories for some, that memories from childhood might not all be fairy tales and butterflies. It also felt disloyal, to dismiss the painful experience of me as a child so that I could keep things happy, light and joyful.

I got stuck for weeks, months. Completely disconnected from that initial inspiration, ignored the nudges to go deeper, started listening to the voices that say ‘Who do you think you are to be doing this?!’.

As I participated in last week’s Unbound Writing Challenge, I was guided to receive information from my book about what it wanted to express. It was very clear. I am to go much deeper in my personal experience, I am to go into both the pain and the joy of connecting to my Inner Child. They are supposed to co-write this book with me too.

In the days after, I got more information about what was to go into the book. It felt really scary. Once again, I observed the ideas and stories come forward to be written and expressed and I watched my automatic reaction of putting them aside. Seeing them but immediately disregarding them.

As I observed this behaviour, as I noticed this pattern, I started taking more notice to the different thoughts and ideas coming through. Noticing that they scared the shit out of me, but that I still needed to take note. Trusting that I am able to handle them.

Last week I started writing again. Unfiltered, raw, my experience, my truth. Every word that I have been so afraid of, I have started to put it down. Because at this point, no one else is reading what I write, and I absolutely need to write these words.

For myself, for my own healing and facing of this big important thing that happened to me. Bringing it out into the light of day, instead of hiding in the shadows and the land of secrets. I also believe that I am to write it, so that others who need to read these words, get to read them. So that they can too, face those things lurking in the dark. Those things that feel way too scary to bring out into the day to day life.

I want to share more about this process. So I will be writing about it and posting more about the experience of writing a book that explores my experience of childhood sexual abuse, the remembering, how it has affected different areas of my life and myself as an individual.

I have no intention of writing any details of what happened here on social media. The aim of these posts is to take you into my own process of writing something deeply personal and sometimes painful to face, as well as how it is coming together.

Oh, and I have decided that just by the fact that I am wanting and starting to write this book, that I AM A WRITER too.

With love and determination,

Pelagia

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