I have noticed how I have been avoiding doing videos.

At some point, I used to add a video story everyday on Instagram on whatever subject felt relevant to me at the time or I was exploring. The videos were not perfect, but I was happy enough to put myself out there in whatever way I was sounding and hopping I would get better at it. I promised myself I was doing these for me and not to receive any validation from others. I promised myself also that I would show up as myself, with or without makeup, after waking up or at the end of the day, the lighting did not matter. It felt brave and I was clearly in a place where I was confident enough to just go with it.

Something changed, in fact, quite a lot of things changed, but I want to mention two in this post.

The first reason is to do with my appearance and how I have been feeling less confident with the way my body looks. I have put on weight and I started to become more critical of my body. Noticing where there was more of me in different areas of my body, feeling inadequate, that I had somehow failed once again in caring for myself. My hair is now almost all of it in its natural colour and I have, at times, struggled to fully get used to this new look. A part of me, still feels blond somehow, even thought it has never been my natural colour. Both these aspects also point to the awareness of growing old. It’s quite a potent mix and it has affected my self-esteem and self-worth. It feels good to be aware of it, not putting pressure on myself to change anything dramatically, just being aware of how it makes me feel and some times taking small actions that get me to be in acceptance of what my appearance is like at the moment. When I feel like this, it feels much better to hide behind still photos, or even better, of things I have noticed outside of myself. There is nothing wrong with what I share, but when I notice that I am not doing something because of how I look, then it tells me there is something to look into and pay attention to.

The second reason is to do with an insecurity I feel when speaking in front of a camera. I have lots of ideas I would like to share more of. They are personal insights that inspire me and I have this calling of sharing them with other people in the hope I can spark something new within them too. These thoughts, ideas and insights all sound great in my head. In fact, they seem to come out quite naturally when speaking to another person who I feel comfortable with. Yet, when I hit that recording button on my phone, it feels like everything goes blank. I have to do different takes, I sometimes forget what my title is or most importantly, I seem to suddenly forget what I was just a few seconds ago, so excited to share. The video does not have to be perfect, I totally accept that, but I would just love to comfortably be able to share an idea or concept as clearly as I have it in my head. You see, when I write, I feel like I can be really clear, put me in front of a camera and I get into a bag of nerves with humm, aaahhh, all sorts of noises in between my words. This can also be endearing, I know.

As usual, in my Scientist of the Self* way, I get curious as to why this could be and so far, my investigation within myself, has lead me to a couple of memories from my childhood that feel very similar to this feeling I get in front of the camera.

I remember, as a child and when growing up, being made feel that what I thought was wrong, that I was not clever enough. I remember that when I wanted to ask for something I really wanted or to stand up for myself, that I was not able to clearly put my thoughts across and I always ended up crying, frustrated and defeated. When what I wanted was really really important to me, then I resorted to writing letters. I would put my case across very clearly with all the reasons why I should get what I was asking. I did not write lots and lots of letters, but what I found was that in the occasions I did, I did get what I was asking for.

Another memory was to do with school, and how terrified I was of being called to the board at the front of the room. I believe my primary teacher knew I was terrified of it, and even more, if it was to solve a mathematical problem. This got so bad that, she only had to call my name to go to the front of the room and I was already crying on my way there and I would get smacked too, to top it all off. In the pressure of the moment, I knew I would not be able to think clearly, my mind would go blank and nothing could make me solve the simplest of mathematical problems.

What can I do about all this? Awareness is the most important part. Being compassionate to the parts of me that get anxious, noticing my critical side rising and making a conscious effort to change my inner dialogue. Maybe nudge myself a little bit and get in front of the camera and see how it all comes out, accepting it, in all it’s perfect imperfection. If at some point I feel I need support from someone else to look at what else may be lying behind this and release it, I know that the right person will come along. There is a perfect timing for everything.

What I shared above, is an example of how I tend to face life and what I teach my clients. I believe that in order to be the best version of myself, I must become a Scientist of the Self*, myself. This means, being honest, aware, compassionate with a generous sprinkle of patience. Awareness is always the beginning. With awareness comes choice and with choice comes change.

*’Being a Scientist of the Self, means that you take a separate role within yourself and become an observer of your own living experience. After all, you are the most absolute expert at being you. No one else has a clue of what it truly means to be you. You do you in a way that no one else can.’ Pelagia Pais

Here is one of my practice videos: