A few weeks ago I received a message from a friend, saying that they no longer wanted to have me as their friend. It was a shock to me. It felt very sudden, yet, when I look back, maybe it was not that surprising after all.

Following shock, I went into shame. For someone to not want to be my friend, I must be a really horrible person. I must be a terrible friend.

Me, being me, I went on a complete review of what had happened leading up to that decision. My mind was spinning and trying to figure out what happened.

The thing is, I have finished relationships with friends many many times. In fact, the last few years it seems to be something that I do on a regular basis. And this has left me feeling quite embarrassed about it.

Before that, I used to just stop speaking to friends and ghosted them forever, until they would stop trying. One day, a friend did that to me. It was intense. I was in shock and felt trapped into trying to figure out why, for more than a year. I still do not know to this day. But I got to the point in the healing process, where I realised that I just needed to accept their decision and move on with my life.

While staying in Thailand for a few months back in 2017, I met a lot of people. I started noticing my desire to be liked, I started noticing how lonely I felt and how badly I wanted to fit in. The place where I was staying is full of westerners like me trying to figure out life, having made big decisions, often, like me, leaving everything behind and starting anew.

Having stopped abruptly running in the hamster wheel of life, there was a lot more time to look at things and to observe myself. Somehow, I was being lead to go much deeper within me. To stop looking out. (Although, that did not stop me trying).

Everyone I met there was ready to go into a deep conversation there and then at first meeting. I guess with the slow life, everyone had time. I had loads of those conversations. But just because I was able to go deep with a few people, did not mean we were immediate friends.

And at some point, I started realising that I did not want to be friends with lots of people. I realised that some of the people I was friendly with just were not the right people for me. I started isolating more.

It was being ‘dumped’ again as a friend by someone, that made me learn one of the biggest lessons in life regarding friendship. They told me really nicely, that I was not being a good friend to them and they had decided to let me go. I was in awe of the clarity of that message and I knew they were absolutely right. I was definitely not being a good friend. The truth is, I could not handle being their friend but was too scared to say so.

And this, this is the biggest problem. I realised I had hurt someone with my behaviour because I wanted to be nice and I had problems with saying exactly what I felt. In fact, I had a massive problem in identifying what I needed and saying it to someone else, regardless of how uncomfortable it might be for both of us. I am still working on this.

That beautiful text, letting me go as a friend, was one of the biggest lessons in kindness, clarity and boundaries and how important they are.

I could see, there and then, that I no longer could ghost friends I no longer felt I wanted to keep in my life.

So, I got to work. During that time in Thailand I started practising sensing when it was time to no longer share the same path with someone else. I started practising letting them know with as much honesty and clarity as I could.

I don’t do it light hearted but ultimately, I make the decision to go with what works and is best for me.

Saying it with kindness, honesty and clarity does not make it any better for the other person, I understand that. It is a break in energy exchange. It hurts.

All of these people were incredibly important on all the different parts of my journey, specially in recent years. We walked together for a while, we supported each other, learnt lessons together, shared many conversations and moments of friendship that felt right at that time.

As I learn to be more centred within myself. As I learn to be less dependent on what others think. As I learn to stand strong for what I believe and say it out loud with less fear. As I become more familiar with who I truly am, with my truth, both my darkness and my light. As I become more myself.

I am better able to navigate these troubled waters. I doubt less and I see more clearly. Of course, I can only see what is happening from my perspective, it does not mean I am not able to see the others perspective, but it is not my job to do so.

When someone decides they no longer want to be in touch with me, I just have to trust that they are making the right decision for themselves. Just like I have made it for myself other times.

Maybe I could have done this and that better, maybe if I had had the courage to say those uncomfortable things that I ended up never saying, maybe things would have been different. But there is no going back from that. What are left are the lessons.

Another thing I have come to realise from this whole subject and the different events that have lead me to right now, is that I have more clarity in what type of people I want in my life. The kind that are able to say those uncomfortable truths, their truths with kindness, honesty and clarity.

When I am connected with people who cannot do this, I find it really hard to do it too. I find it hard to actually be my full self. I want to give and receive that permission of being our full selves. In the darkness and the lightness. In the good and the bad bits. With presence, with kindness, with trust.

To those friends who were once part of my life but no longer are:

I thank you from the heart for the time we spent together and everything we shared.

I ask for your forgiveness, if I have hurt you in any way, in particular to all of you whom I ghosted.

I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.

And I will endeavour to continue to come here and speak about what is happening, regardless of my fear of it being too much, too sad, too depressing or too happy. Of how much I will be judged.

As I show up more and more as myself. I believe that this will give permission for you too, to do the same.

Who knows, I might find myself a few more kindred spirits with whom I can be fully myself, without a filter.

The train of vulnerability, honesty and openness needs to start somewhere. When we are vulnerable, honest and open even when we think that by doing so it could bear us immense pain; we give others permission to do so too. What might be found after that, might be incredible joy, freedom and healing, instead of pain.

If I can’t be here at my worst and low, then it does not help me or allow me to be fully here at my best and high. In fact, because I am a human being, there is no such thing as low or high, good or bad moments, there are just moments and all of them are part of our lives and of who we truly are. Human beings in training, doing the best we can, each day.

Artwork by me. Full piece below.

Every month I send an email to your inbox with a summary of what has come up for me and a bit more on the background of my life.

Pelagia Pais is still figuring out what to call herself and her offer to the world. She is an Intuitive, a Coach, a Healer, a Writer, an Artist and so much more of what lies in between. For now you can read more of what she experiences and shares in her blog ‘It’s not all happiness and coconuts’ (www.pelagiapais.com/blog).