I was going to post a pretty picture of my latest journal covers. The one I just ended and the one I have just started on.

I was going to mention how important it is to have a lovely journal to leave all my thoughts in, and how I didn’t quite understand what this actually meant, until I started journaling on a regular basis and suddenly, where I write makes a difference to me and to the state I am in when pouring my heart and soul with pen and paper.

I am still posting the pretty photo of my journal covers. One with flamingos the journal I just finished; and the other with cheetahs, the one I have just started writing on. But as I was replying to an email this afternoon, it felt that there was more to it than this transition of journals. It inspired me to write about an internal transition that happened to me, that I only just now realise.

For the first 40 years of my life, I have been a Good Girl. The best Good Girl there ever was. As a child and teenager, I never rebelled. I was quiet and shy. I listened to my parents and followed their advice. I believed in them completely and it never really crossed my mind to question them or their advice. Never.

My first act of rebellion happened in my early twenties, but after that, I carried on being a Good Girl. This time, following the cultural rules of whichever society I was living in, either Portugal or the UK. These cultural rules are often so ingrained in every day life, that I believe that there is a lot more to rebel and untangle myself from. The inner voices of my parents are still present too.

When I first remembered my childhood trauma, back in 2016, it shook the foundations of where I stood in society and most importantly, of who I was. Suddenly, I started questioning everything. My life, my past memories, my remembering of trauma, etc. Everything started going through a sieve of questions. I remember at some point having to make the decision of believing in myself, because to not do so, meant simply giving up on myself. At that point, giving up on myself meant dying. A death of the soul as well as once again, contemplating a death of the body.

Somehow, the second option did not feel like an option. There I was, receiving some incredibly shocking news and awareness. Something I never even imagined had happened to me. It felt pretty destructive, and in some ways, it was, yet, I still decided that I was not going to give up on living. I never really considered that second option as a real option. The only option I had was to believe in myself, to believe the memory my body had brought to the surface. This decision, this standing by me, had a huge impact in my life from then on. I have written about this before, but the new nuance is this notion, that once I started questioning my whole life up to that point, I learnt to not take anything from anyone just for their word. I learnt that I could no longer depend on the self professed guru that my father said he was, I could not trust any of the notions and ideas my parents had given me through my life.

The questioning part of my life started. I feel this will be the rest of my life.

Remembering my childhood trauma brought up this ability. This gift that I feel is so important, when you start living a more alternative life.

My parents did not teach me to question or be curious. They taught me to follow the word of authoritative figures.

I have since, encountered many opportunities to test this new ability. Before being more aware, I also encountered several opportunities to learn to question, but they were long and painful experiences. Nowadays, I use my body to sieve the information that comes to me. I filter it through the reaction in my body. Through my own truth.

These days, I don’t believe everything I read or hear from someone else. I have a massive mistrust of gurus and experts, in particular around subjects I am beginning to form my own opinion from my own experience. I understand that when I learn from my own experience, it feels very different from reading or hearing about something that I can understand with my mind, but don’t quite understand with my whole being. So, most of the time, I ask questions about some of my thoughts, what I read, what I hear from others. I form opinions on different subjects, listen some more, question some more, within myself, and either continue with the same opinion or bring new elements to it.

Having the ability to think for myself, to be able to ask myself some of the deep questions of life and get the answers from within, is the biggest of gifts. I am in a constant search to making the right decisions for myself, to direct my life and my attention following the answers within. Following what feels right for me. Open to hear different opinions and have conversations that go deep into these big questions, getting in touch with my deep inner wisdom to bring some of the answers up and continuing to learn more and more. About myself, about human behaviour and therefore, about the world.

In particular when going on a spiritual or self discovery journey, but any journey of any kind, critical thinking is the most important tool. It is not about being doubtful and questioning for the sake of questioning. It is about really sensing within, what is important for you to know your own truth about.

I am aware, for myself, that having experienced trauma as a child brings about reactions that may be triggers from the past. Learning to be aware of this, is not a hindrance, but another opportunity to learn more about myself. Learning that some reactions are there because of it, and being able to still navigate to my truth, regardless.

The next step, is to take action. Is to step out more into the world and bring my reading of a certain situation, being in disagreement with others. The Good Girl part of me, still fears stepping out and speaking out. With this year’s intention of showing up, I am hoping that I will participate more, that I will bring more views out into the world. At the moment, I share mostly with people I know will understand or know the context. But some of my most recent posts, show a glimpse of this.

There is no rush, just a continued transition and transformation within myself. Going from being a still flamingo into an action packed cheetah. I’ve just come up with a new metaphor!

Did you see what I did there? A post that I thought would be mostly about beauty and aesthetics, changed into something a little bit deeper.

I’m not longer fully the flamingo (or the sheep, in the more common metaphor) nor am I fully the cheetah (or wolf). I am transitioning into my true essence, my true authentic self, free from the constrictions of the past and opening new ways of being, not only for myself, but for others too.

With love,

Pelagia