Since about October last year, I have been feeling that something deep and big is coming up to the surface within me. It is very unpleasant. I have possibly been running away from confronting this thing and it seems that the time feels right now.

The last few weeks, I have felt like I have been stuck in a dark place where the feelings of rejection, being a fraud and intense fear have surrounded me every day. It has been very scary and overwhelming. Affecting the energy in my body, meaning that I have mostly felt depleted and like I have been running on empty.

When I feel like this, it’s almost like I enter a survival mode, where I’m only doing the things that will keep alive. Doing the basic for my well being, almost solely on a physical level. Intellectually, it feels like I have no space to process, to reflect or even to become aware of what else is happening within me. I’m stuck in this place within me, where everything feels heavy, difficult and challenging. I loose hope, I loose trust and I loose faith. My sense of direction and drive seem to have gone elsewhere and I loose my bearings internally.

I feel it is good and it is OK to just focus on the survival. I’m sure I’ve been in this place before, but this time it felt more vivid and also like I was feeling deeply every part of it. I looked at every part of this rejection, feeling a fraud and deep fear, understanding that it was something I needed to look at and that my reaction to these was important. I felt like I was not to go into ‘why me?’ mode, but simply stay with this unpleasantness and discomfort.

When I’m in this place, and on survival mode, I do not feel like I can do anything else. So I was not posting on social media nor was I making may daily reflections videos. There was no space for that. A part of me wants to show what it feels like, but there is no energy for that in those times.

I am here now. I have come up for air. I can now tell you how it felt.

Surfacing for air, is like being on an air plane above the clouds (possibly not a great analogy for someone who does not like flying, but I hope you get it). I can see that the sun is still there, when for some time it felt like there was only dark clouds. My lungs finally can breathe more fully and deeply. I start having ideas, being able to see beyond and have access to a bigger picture. It feels lighter and like a big relief. I am no longer dragging myself with the weight of the world. I can feel the lightness, I connect to trust, hope and faith once again.

A part of me wonders, how long will I be at the surface breathing with ease? And another responds: it is time to face that big deep something that has been coming to the surface. The ‘monster’ that I have been running away from. I have no idea of how it will pan out, but I know that the time is right and I am in the right place.

For more of what I write and share, check my blog 'It's not all happiness and coconuts' https://www.pelagiapais.com/blog/

If you feel called to support me with a donation, use the following link:https://www.paypal.me/PelagiaPais