The other day I noticed something in my body. As I was walking, I noticed that my hand was closed and my thumb was tucked in with my fingers holding it safe. The first time I noticed and realised the reason for walking with this hand position was back in 2016 and I realised, through a series of events, self-enquiry and what was happening then, that this meant I was feeling anxious. To notice my body doing this again after a few years of not doing it, raised alarm bells for me. What part of me was feeling anxious and why was I not aware of it?

I was took back to last year, when I spent 8 months on a tropical island in Thailand. I had been told that that particular island was build on top of a bed of rose crystal and it had a strong heart opening energy. For quite a lot of my time there, I had no idea of what this meant. At the beginning, I attended events where I was told to 'open my heart', 'breath from the heart' and other similar expressions. Every single time I would get angry and frustrated, as I had no idea of what this meant. No clue. 

At some point, I started paying attention to my body language during my stay. I noticed in particular how I was sleeping. More specifically, how I was sleeping with tightly closed lips and the memory of me as a child teaching myself to do this because I had a fear of what might come into my mouth when I was sleeping, in particular, spiders. So I decided to counterbalance that. Every night I would make myself adopt an open position in the bed. This meant being with my tummy up, legs and arms apart in a relaxed position and finally, my lips gently parted. By the end of my stay I was sleeping in this position comfortably and naturally. I felt that this experience of using my body to open other parts of me, helped me finally to understand what being open hearted meant. 

When I came back to the UK, to London in particular, the energy is course very different. I kept saying to myself to remain open hearted but slowly, through this last year, I have slowly seen myself regress back to some body positions that feel closed. 

Realising the other day what I was doing with my hand unconsciously, really made me examine what is happening at this moment in my life. In the last few weeks I have been healing an infected cyst on the left side of my lower back. It has been painful, uncomfortable and exhausting. I am still going through the process of healing it.

Through self reflection and the help of a healing session, I was able to realise that this is an expression of my trauma coming to the surface. I had dreams, I experienced some cathartic moments this week and when I took a better look at how I am sleeping nowadays, I realise that my body feels unsafe, unprotected and is trying to protect me. I sleep sideways, often hugging something to protect my throat and my chest, my lips are tightly closed and even though I consciously keep parting them, they go back to closing tight. 

This morning, I finally realised all this and I decided to create a mantra for this time in my life when my trauma seems to be so present in my body. 

'I am safe, I trust, I am open and I choose to enjoy life'

In the coming days and weeks I will be paying closer attention to my body language. I will be consciously making sure to choose a more open position for sleeping and I will be repeating this mantra as many times as I remember during the day, before I go to sleep and when I wake up. I want to show my body that the trauma is not happening now, that I am safe and that it can trust me and my choices. I am grateful for my body to show me and give me signs of what is happening at a level I am not quite conscious of. I am also grateful that my body keeps showing up for me and protecting me.

'I am safe, I trust, I am open and I choose to enjoy life'

I want to go back to feeling my heart open.

'I am safe, I trust, I am open and I choose to enjoy life'

Have you noticed your body language recently? Have you enquired within yourself about certain habits? Do you notice other people's body language? I find that the body says a lot and would love to hear from you on this subject.