Pelagia Pais

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Agony

‘There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you.’ Maya Angelou

At the beginning of the year I spent a couple of months back in Portugal, where I come from. During that time a lot happened. It was intense and there has been a memory from the past, that keeps wanting to be released and shared here. During this particular time in Portugal, this desire to share that story was intensified, to a point where it felt suffocating not to and there was an intense urgency for doing it. Eventually the urgency disappeared and now I am just waiting for a time that feels right, inside of me.

Also during that time, I felt myself censoring everything and I did not post for about a month.

I wrote something about that memory. I will be sharing it soon. For now, I want to share a poem I wrote about how that agony felt inside of me then and in a much lower intensity, is still felt now.

‘I have been quiet’

I have been quiet.
I have felt that I have been sharing too much of feeling low.
I have felt that I have been writing too much on not being happy.
I have felt the pressure within myself to feel more upbeat, because others don’t want to hear about all the heaviness I have been experiencing.

I have been quiet.
There are a thousand words stuck in my throat.
There are many ideas and theories I want to share, all stuck in my throat.
There are different parts of my story wanting to come forward and instead, they are all stuck in my throat.

I have been quiet.
I have tied myself in knots to keep it all in.
I have stuffed myself with shame.
I have felt mine and others fear of what might happen when I let it out.

I have been quiet.
I am the censor.
I am the one whose hands are strangling my own neck.
I am a captive that holds the keys to freedom.

I have been quiet.
All I want to do is to speak.
All I want to do is to say it all.
All I want to do is to let go of what is suffocating my voice. My being. My essence. My soul. My everything.

The more I hold, the worse it feels. Time to stop grasping and just let it all go.